I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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