oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
