can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
