fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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