I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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