I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
