I just threw up on my dentist
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
