Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
