just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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