ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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