I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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