So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
