Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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