I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
