he told me I talked like a deaf person
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize