If i come over, it means nothing
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
