I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
