I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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