I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
