watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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