Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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