Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
should my penis look like a turkey
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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