Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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