Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
