he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
