omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
