I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
