Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
