every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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