The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize