So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
