So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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