dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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