I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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