you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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