while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
