I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
