I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
