the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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