I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
