I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
