i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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