see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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