Soap is not a condiment
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
