she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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