She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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