Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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