So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
