My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
