my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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