u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
