She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
