im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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