Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
