Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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