And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
