I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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